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25 Steps Guaranteed To Get Nobel Peace Prize
01. Find a place on the globe with ethnic rivalries that go back at least a thousand years. 02. It is essential that at least 99% of American citizens have never heard of the place and could not find it on a map if their life depended on it. 03. Be absolutely sure that the country(s) involved are no threat to the peace or security of the United States. 04. The place/conflict must challenge no vital interest to the United States . 05. Be doubly sure that none of the beligerants has nuclear weapons or intercontinental ballistic missiles. 06. The combatants on the ground should have no realistic or effectve means of defending against our air power. 07. Get lots of film or video footage of atrocities, and if footage is not available, photograph alleged gravesites from thirty thousand feet and claim that those buried were the innocent victims of mass executions - not combatants or partisans in a civil war - proof or verification is not necessary - just get images and willing TV commentators. 08. Timing is crucial - chose a time when congressional leaders are talking about spending peace dividends, when conservatives are proposing tax cuts or when the administration is trying to divert attention from scandals or foreign espionage. 09. Select your good guys and your bad guys. Promise the good guys that you will arm them and that you will bomb the bad guys. 10. Friends in the media are essential. Whitewash one side and demonize the other. Show only the women and children of one side and the armed combatants of the other. 11. When all this has been done - amass the greatest armada of air power ever asssembled and attack one side with a vengeance. 12. If victory is not immediately at hand, keep bombing. 13. If refugees are created by the escalation in the fighting disperse them among twenty nations. 14. Keep bombing, harder. 15. Ensure targets are chosen by 25 year old policy wonks in WH, not officers at Pentagon with 25 years experience. Keep bombing, even harder . 16. Protect world peace - keep bombing, even harder. 17. Create the new world order - keep bombing. 18. Make the world safe for democracy - keep bombing. 19. It doesn't matter if your attacks kill more people than the bad guys' attacks - keep bombing. 20. Pave the way for world government - keep bombing. 21. The utopia is at hand and kingdom is coming - keep bombing. 22. Bury the victims. Make high minded speeches. Count the dead. Redraw the map. Set up permanent refugee camps. Eulogize, have parades and SPIN! 23. Install 50,000 US Soldiers as peace-keepers for at least a half century. 24. Propose yourselves for the Nobel Peace Prize! 25. Look for a new place on the map of the word and start again - until all the wayward peoples of the world get in step, fall into place and get on the program. |
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